Part 4 of My Purpose Story

What is purpose? Why do I keep talking about purpose? Why is that such a buzz word lately? I feel like “purpose” has really gained exposure during the current Covid-19 pandemic. The pandemic forced us to sit. It took away our jobs. The jobs we weren’t really happy at in the first place. The jobs that gave us a means to pay our bills, but not a means to actually “live” our authentic lives. If you are one of the lucky people who found your purpose during the pandemic and are now pursuing your passions, then good for you. You got the message. You heard it loud and clear. 

However, if you are the opposite and are still surviving day by day, the universe will have to find another way for you to get it. You see, the universe never stops. It gives subtle hints. It does something to make you uncomfortable in hopes you will get it. If you don’t; it will try again. It will give you something a little more uncomfortable to endure. Then, a little more, and a little more; until shit hits the fan. That is where you find the fork in the road. Which way do you go? Your intuition is gently tugging at you, hoping you will follow its lead.

When my father died, I was at the fork. Where do I go? Where could I go? I felt lost. Confused. Raging anger. Shocked. Grief. SO much grief. It was so strange. Death is weird. When you say goodbye to a loved one you expect to walk outside and enter a warzone. Something from what our soldiers witnessed in Iraq, or something we saw in a movie. Burning buildings, air filled with dust and debris, people bleeding, running for safety, but no. The sun still shines. Cars drive past. People rush past you in an effort to get somewhere. Not a single care in the world. Strange. Don’t they know? Everything is different now, nothing is the same. But it is. It is all the same. 

Coming back to my small town after living my best life in Seattle with my friends was difficult. I was going back to the monsters I was running from. I was going back to the place that reminded me of all the mistakes I had made. I was coming home. It was as if the universe knew I had unfinished business. I needed to go back and face the shit I was running from. 

My mom and I grew closer. She talked to me like a woman. I was 19.  Like many others, life had forced me to grow up. I enrolled back in college and was on my way to get my associates degree. “What a loser” I thought. Stupid community college. “Stupid Dora, you let a stupid boy fuck up your life” I told myself. I knew I was better than all of that. 

I spent the next two years working, going to school, dating more losers. Man…I had a type, didn’t I? My mom raised me to pursue higher education. She immigrated here illegally (she eventually gained her status and became a US citizen years later). She left Mexico to pursue a better life for herself and for her future children.  She always told me I could be anything I ever wanted to be. I wanted to be a lawyer. I was great at defending my point. She recognized my gift, but I fucked all that up. I was stuck. Pissed at myself for what I did to my future, pissed at God. I did all the things I was “supposed” to do. I prayed. I begged. I bargained. I cried, and still, he took him. “Fuck God” I thought. I was in such a dark place. Spiritually, mentally, physically; I was broken. 

The next few guys I had tried dating were cheaters. One of them even gave me an STD. Not like the permanent kind. The kind where all I would need was five days of pills and abstinence. Oh I would be abstaining alright! Why am I sharing all of this? It is so personal! It is demeaning. It is shameful! The truth is, at this point in my life (present day: age 36) there is no room for shame. There is no room for scary monsters under my bed. In retrospect, knowing everything I know now, the universe was giving me hint, after hint, after hint. Hoping I would get the damn message! 

I remember telling my mom I would never meet a good guy. I was only 21 at this point. Wow, I was young. At that age, it feels like everything is the end of the world. My mom smiled at me and said “when you meet him, you will just know.” “No I won’t” I bitterly scoffed. All of my life, I had dated “bad boys.” They were all abusers, liars, cheaters. I wondered what I did to attract them, or how I had been attracted to them. 

Was I broken? Was I not capable of real love? My mom has this saying that I still use to this day “a man will only do to you what you let him do to you.” In other words, if you tolerate disrespect, you will get disrespected. If you tolerate a cheater, you will get cheated on. It’s quite simple. But when your in deep and feel like you have no where to go, it can be difficult to see the light. To take the plunge. To make a change. To take control of your life. 

Then, in March of 2006 at the age of 21, something happened. The universe was working its magic and changing my story. Fate was about to turn for me. God was about to reappear in my life and remind me that he had a plan for me. A plan much bigger than I could have ever imagined! 

The light at the end of the tunnel was  so blindingly bright… 

See you next week for Part 5 of my purpose story. I hope you are enjoying reading this blog, and I hope that you know you are not alone. If my story resonates with you, please subscribe to get updates and read my blog as soon as it is published. Also-please feel free to share this with anyone who you feel needs this. 

If you are currently suffering with grief, you are not alone, click below for some tips and resources. 

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-life-coping/stress-coping/grief-loss.html