Healing from a Narcissist
Survivors of narcissists will often feel selfish when they start to set boundaries and put their needs first. This is because they have been conditioned by the narcissist to believe that their emotions are invalid, and that they are incapable of making rational decisions. They are used to appeasing the needs of the narcissist in order to survive in the relationship.
Survivors need extra support to validate themselves and build their self-trust back with a lot of patience and reassurance. Survivors will tend to overly apologize as to not stir the pot of the other person’s emotions. This is their body’s response system of “fight or flight” or keeping them “alive” and “emotionally safe” within their personal capacity.
Survivors have been trained to believe, that if they can just keep the narcissist happy, the day will be manageable for the both of them. Narcissists will manipulate their victims survival skills by calling them “crazy” and “irrational” using gaslighting and deflecting techniques when they feel pinned against the wall and “called out.” In order to stay in control, narcissists will make victims believe that they are not capable of making a decision without them. This will cause survivors to constantly seek the advice of others, or need reassurance when making decisions, long after the abusive relationship is over. Read more about narcissism here: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
How to help a survivor
1. Remind them that they are safe now and in control over their own environment and their own decisions. They will need time to feel comfortable trusting their environment and letting their wall down, so patience and reassurance is key in this process.
2. Have them look inward to their “gut feeling” or intuition when making decisions for guidance. Their intuition was silenced by their abuser, but it wasn’t fully removed. Give them the courage to strengthen it by asking what they think they feel is right in their situation. Not only will this help them in advocating for themselves, but will also promote feelings of gaining control over their own lives again.
3. Help them properly name and get clear on their emotions and feelings surrounding uncomfortable situations. This will allow them navigate one uncomfortable situation at a time, which will feel more manageable under stressful situations.
If you are the survivor, here is how to help yourself:
Find a safe person to talk to and work out some of your emotions, it really does help to say them out-loud with a person you trust.
Be clear on what you need from your safe person.
Do you want them to hold space while you vent, but not advise?
Do You want them to give advice?
Let your safe person know ahead of time so they are prepared with how to help you best.
Give yourself time to heal. It will not happen over night. Most of this is unlearning all of the toxic traits the abuser has slowly conditioned you to believe.
Lastly-forgive yourself for allowing that kind of behavior into your life. You didn’t ask for it, you didn’t deserve it, but it is your job to unpack it and not pass those traits along to your loved ones.
When to look for help:
You are having constant emotional outbursts.
You are pushing away your safe people when they try to help you.
You are repeating patterns of toxic behavior in relationships/friendships.
You are struggling setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.
You are feeling withdrawn and isolated from your loved ones.
You feel like you are in a constant fog and cannot come out of it.
How I can help:
As a Counselor and Certified Life Coach specializing in finding the root of trauma, I can help you identify patterns, triggers, and help you assess your current environment to make meaningful action steps to change.
If you have been to therapy and hit a wall with your healing, it might be because you were done with self-reflection and are ready to take action steps to heal the present and the future moving forward.
***I am not a therapist, and will not be conducting therapy, diagnosing you, or creating treatment plans***
HEARTOURMINDS is the fastest growing community of women on a healing journey to self-discovery and confidence building in order to live their best meaningful lives after trauma.
Simply book a consult with me here to see if we are good fit to work together.
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